Friday

There are some times when I crave relationships. Now is one of those times.

Most of the time I enjoy being on my own, just doing my own thing. I work well alone, and enjoy being able to hear myself think. But sometimes I sit and realize that I really, really enjoy people, real interaction, the give and take of conversation, the investment in community.

Sometimes I realize that I don't have many friends. Then I realize that I'm not always a great friend to the ones I do have, so why should I have more? I barely seem to have time for the ones I've already got.

But on the other hand, community is good. Relationship is good. Why do I seem to keep having trouble with this? Why do I want community, friendship, relationship when I'm on my own, but I feel even lonlier in a crowd full of friends?

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral
But is was better than the party full of people I don't really know
They've got hearts to break and burn
Dirty hands to feel the earth
There's something in my veins,
But I can't seem to make it work... won't work

So Carry Me,
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe,
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

- Jars of Clay


I'm not really as depressed as this post sounds, not by a long shot. I know I have great friends around me, and a terrific community. Sometimes, though, I suppose it is good to look at the melancholy, so that the bright times appear all the more brighter.

The trick is to not be consumed by the melancholy, lest it swallow you whole, like some sort of ghostly beast. Hmm, that sounds like a story, or maybe a poem

Where am I going with this post?

I just really want to go on an adventure. Just for a day, forget about school and money and pressure, and just go somewhere, make a memory, and return.